


Last Thing on the List

by khaleesiofalicante



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, angst with happy ending tho, can't do sad endings fam, i am already depressed enough, malec talks adoption, this is a angst fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23071357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khaleesiofalicante/pseuds/khaleesiofalicante
Summary: Magnus and Alec finally have a proper chat about starting a family - but only to realize they are not on the same page. They are not even on the same book or the same library. There are so many fears to overcome and difficult confessions to make.An angst fic about malec adoption - because relationships take effort.Broken hearts, Restless minds, Tired bodies and Other things.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 37
Kudos: 229





	1. Lust

**Author's Note:**

> There was once a naive anon who requested a fluffy fic about malec adoption. But I, queen of all that is evil, turned the prompt into an angsty one. 
> 
> It took me a while to plan this - like a super long while. I wanted to make this a one shot. But didn't want it to be too angsty either. So, this is a multi-chapter fic which I will post along with LMLT.
> 
> This one is for you Caramel Pumpkin - I hope you are still alive.
> 
> Happy reading, suckers :)

Magnus could always tell what mood Alec was in with a single glance.

It wasn’t just that he knew Alec’s soul like his own, but his husband was the most straightforward person he had ever met – and Magnus has met a lot of people in the course of his long life.

Even back when Alec was hiding, Magnus had been able to see how it difficult it had been for the shadowhunter. Alec appreciated honesty above all else – so living a lie had not been easy for him at all. He had carefully learned how to mask his true emotions and had taught himself to only feel what was expected of him. He had lived a life of lying to himself and others around him.

Until one day, when he decided not to do it anymore.

Despite having kissed Alec almost every single day since then, Magnus still remembered their first. He had not known that it was possible to feel so much through a kiss until that moment. He remembered feeling Alec's fears, his love, his liberation and his heart.

Alec felt so much - and whatever Alec felt, he felt strongly.

Ever since, Magnus had started to pay attention to the little cues and hints that told him what his Alexander was feeling in the moment. Of course, there were times when Alec wanted to hide his emotions – he was half-human after all. And humans, Magnus had come to learn, liked to conceal than feel.

But after a year of marriage, Magnus knew his husband. He knew exactly what the other man was feeling right now.

Alec had poured himself a Cosmo. He was lying back lazily on their leather couch. He had unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt. He was humming some random song tunelessly. And he was staring.

They were all telltale signs that his husband was horny.

Make no mistake, Alec stared at his husband all the time – and honestly, Magnus couldn’t blame him. But there was a brazen hunger in his eyes that sent a shiver down Magnus’ spine.

“I see that someone has plans for tonight,” Magnus purred into his husband’s ear and dropped a kiss on Alec’s jaw.

“What gave it away?” Alec smirked and pulled Magnus into his laps and settled into the couch more comfortably.

“After all this time, I’d like to think that I know you pretty well,” Magnus retorted, his fingers working on rest of the buttons. “Also, you sent a text in the afternoon saying that you have plans for tonight.”

His husband laughed at that. “I did, didn’t I?”

Magnus nodded with a grin and surged forward to kiss Alec on the lips. After one or ten more kisses after that – honestly who was counting – they had moved to the bedroom – a familiar territory of sandalwood and silk sheets.

He grabbed Alec by the face and started working on his neck and that glorious deflect rune. He started to move downwards, moving towards Alec’s bulge. Magnus was rather disappointed that he didn’t get to spend more time on Alec’s chest – but hey, he could go up there any time he wanted. By the time his husband’s trousers and boxers were off and Magnus was more than ready to get his mouth on Alec, but the shadowhunter pushed him away gently.

Magnus quickly moved away and gave his husband a concerned look. Alec only smiled and bent down to pick up his trousers and retrieved a red foil packet.

“I thought we didn’t want to use condoms anymore,” Magnus questioned, slightly confused.

They had both mutually agreed to stop using condoms since they had no interest in sleeping with anyone else. Magnus still remembered the look on Alec’s face when he had proposed the idea to the other man – back when they were dating in New York. He had finished explaining the rationale behind his suggestion before Alec had pounced on him and sucked him off – sans condoms and all – then and there.

“I know,” Alec was grinning with his entire face. “But I remembered you raving about how much you love chocolate syrup when we were in Paris and I thought you might enjoy this.”

Magnus’ cat eyes widened at that. “Is that a-”

“Chocolate flavored condom,” Alec finished for him.

Magnus loved giving blowjobs. He loved giving blowjobs to Alec even more. But he liked the sound of this plan even better.

“You continue to surprise me, Alexander,” Magnus laughed and got up to kiss Alec on the mouth before getting down to business. “Where did you even find this? I wasn’t aware that Idris sold flavored condoms in Angel Square.”

“Idris doesn’t,” Alec snorted. “I got this online.”

Ah, that made so much more sense.

“Well, I am glad you are putting the new Wi-Fi in Alicante to good use,” Magnus giggled and laid one last kiss on Alec’s lips before sinking into the floor again.

After a good fifteen minutes of endless profanity, sinful moaning, merciless hair pulling and one tasty treat – they were both lying on the bed panting and grinning like idiots.

“Maybe we should bring the condoms back,” Alec suggested, his voice still hoarse.

“I am right behind you on that one,” Magnus replied, his voice not doing any better. “It doesn’t matter if we use condoms or not. We are in a monogamous relationship and it’s not like either of us can get pregnant.”

“Is that a challenge?” Alec teased, turning to his side to face Magnus. “Because I can fire up the stamina rune and we can give it a shot.”

Magnus swatted his husband on the arm, his hand brushing against the sweat on Alec’s angelic rune. “Trust me, we don’t want that.”

“Of course we don’t,” Alec smiled and pulled up the covers over them. “It’s too early. I was thinking that we need at least another year to settle into our positions at Idris before we start looking into adoption. Otherwise, we will not have time to take care of the baby – considering our workload.”

Magnus didn’t know why he was surprised at his husband’s words. Alec was a planner through and through. He liked to map out things and be aware of the direction in which he as travelling. So, of course, he had planned out the timeline for their adoption process.

And Alec was absolutely right. There was no way in hell they could adopt right now. Alec had been the inquisitor for less than a year and Magnus had just started to warm up to the Clave members thanks to his new position as High Warlock of Alicante.

So, it made sense for them to wait a year before they adopt. As always, his husband’s plan made total sense.

Except that there was one tiny glitch in Alec’s plan. 

Magnus did not want to adopt – not next year, not the year after, and not ever.

“Magnus?” Alec called out worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“Totally fine,” Magnus smiled – it came so easy to him. “I was just thinking about all the appointments I have tomorrow.”

“See, this is exactly what I am talking about,” Alec sighed as he nuzzled closer to his husband. “We don’t have time to have a child right now.”

Hopefully we never will, Magnus thought to himself and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is a shorter fic, I'll try to update this sooner than usual.
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: According to the FPA (Family Planning Association) figures show 61% of people find talking about condoms with a new sexual partner a difficult conversation to have. Of those, 70% find it embarrassing and 36% say it makes them less likely to use a condom. (Talking about contraception is VERY sexy imo!)


	2. Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alexander, I know I will be a decent father. This is not about whether I’ll be good at it or not. It’s about whether I want it.”
> 
> Alec gulped. “And you…You don’t want it?”
> 
> “I don’t want it.”
> 
> Sudden changes, Scary confessions, Silent nights and Other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope yall are safe and okay. Happy reading :)
> 
> The song for this fic is 'To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra'.
> 
> Happy reading :)

“Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?” Alec asked, his eyebrows knit in worry. “Do _you_ have to be the one to handle it? Can’t Catarina or someone take care of it?”

“Alexander,” Magnus said softly as he walked up to his husband and put his hands on his shoulder, giving a tight squeeze. “This is not everyday magic. You need power from the heart of hell to handle this and I…Well, you know where I am from.”

“I don’t care where you are from,” Alec whispered. “I only care about where you are right now.”

The morning sun filled the balcony and Magnus wished they could stand like this forever, in each other’s arms.

“I am right here,” he reminded Alec.

“For now,” his shadowhunter murmured. “How long….how long is this gonna take?”

“I…I don’t know,” Magnus answered hesitantly. He hated hiding things from Alec – especially after begging the other man not to do so. “We need to swipe the entire state of New York and that’s going to take a while. A year? Maybe more? I am not entirely sure.”

Alec let out a deep sigh and walked back into the loft.

“Alexander, I am sorr-”

“No,” Alec said firmly, turning around to see his face. “Don’t apologize. You are just doing your job – even if it means that you have to leave for New York every other day.”

“Thank you,” Magnus said, slowly walking up to his husband and pulling him into an embrace. It felt like Alec needed it that morning - And he sort of needed it too.

“You know what this means, right?” Alec mumbled into his shoulder.

“I’ll have to put up with your brother again?”

Alec laughed, a sound Magnus had missed since he broke the news to his husband last night.

“It means we can’t….we can’t adopt next year,” Alec informed quietly. “I was hoping we could. I thought we could do the paperwork this year and then maybe next year we’ll get a ba-”

“I am sorr-”

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Alec shushed him with his finger.

But it was. It was his fault.

He was the one who had asked Lorenzo to give the job to him. He was the one who had practically forced Lorenzo to let him work in New York so that he will be busy for the foreseeable future. He was the one who had taken up more work instead of telling Alec he didn’t want to have a baby.

He knew he shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to have a child. It was a personal choice that he had the right to make. But…It was impossible to look at Alec and not feel guilty. But he tried. He tried is best not to let this break him.

But something must have shown on his face because Alec took hold of it and kissed him gently on the lips, resting his forehead against Magnus’.

“It’s gonna be worth it, Magnus,” Alec said with such certainty that scared Magnus to the very depth of his soul. “Our kid is gonna be worth everything.”

It took every inch of magic in Magnus to hold his tears back. Instead of breaking apart in Alec’s arms – like he had done once before – Magnus smiled at his husband instead. He had caused enough worry and suffering for his Alexander. He wouldn’t do it again.

“Off you go, Mr. Inquisitor,” Magnus kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you soon.”

After Alec left, Magnus decided to get on with the day so he could come back home early and prepare something nice for his husband. Of course, he didn’t need much time to do anything since he could magic it but tonight he wanted to make an effort.

He didn’t know whether it was really for Alec or to soothe his own guilty conscious, but he knew he needed to do something. Thanks to his newfound motivation, Magnus was able to power though his appointments for the day. By the time he finished up the last job for a shadowhunter family living just on the border of Idris, it was nearly four in the evening. Magnus quickly portalled himself back to loft he could maybe make some dinner for the two of them and surprise Alec.

But it turned out that tonight he was the one in for a surprise. As soon as he entered the loft, he felt Alec’s presence through his magic. He quickly went over to the bedroom and then the kitchen but Alec was nowhere to be found. He finally decided to check the rooftop and there he was.

Alec was sitting on the fire escape. He was wearing an old sweater – which he only wore when he looked for comfort on cold nights. His was holding on to an empty beer bottle and staring at it intently, seemingly lost in his thoughts. His shoulders were hunched and his face was tired – his features only lit by the demon towers of Alicante.

They were all telltale signs that his husband was sad.

Before he could reach Alec and ask him what was wrong his husband spoke up. Alec didn’t need magic to know Magnus’ presence – he just knew. He always knew.

“I spoke to Catarina,” Alec said.

“Is something wrong with Madzie? Do we need to go back to New Yo-”

“Magnus, I spoke to Catarina about the mission,” Alec elaborated, his eyes still on the ground. “I was going to ask her whether it was dangerous and she told me that you asked for the job. They didn’t request. _You asked for it_.”

“Alexander, I-”

“Is it true, Magnus?” Alec asked, his hazel eyes looking at him now. “It was your decision, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” Magnus didn’t see any point in lying about that. “But I had a reason for requesting that job.”

“You miss New York,” Alec answered for him. “Magnus, you don’t think I miss it? I miss my family every day. I know Idris is full of shadowhunters and it is not your home but I thought that we could-”

“Alexander, this is not about New York – or Idris,” Magnus interrupted quickly. “I have lived in hell – quite literally. Trust me, it doesn’t matter where I live. I don’t care about that at all. This is not about that.”

“Then what is it about?” Alec questioned, getting up from the fire escape. “Is it me? Do you want to stay away from me? Do you n…Do you need space?”

“Alec, no,” Magnus gasped at the implication. “I don’t want to be away from you.”

“Then why?” Alec asked again, his voice breaking. “Why did you ask to be away from home?”

Magnus could lie – he could if he wanted to. After years of practicing, he was very good at it too. But the confusion and the pain on Alec’s face prevented him from lying any further. He knew the truth would hurt Alec, but that was no reason to keep lying to him. Magnus did not want a marriage that depended on dishonesty and deceit.

“It’s about the baby.”

Alec blinked. Magnus could almost see his brain trying to work it out. And then Alec did what Magnus never expected. He laughed – a sound that was filled with relief and a sound that sent a cold dread down his spine. Alec moved closed and hugged him tightly.

“Hey, that’s what this was all about?” Alec asked softly. "By the angel! You are just worried about having a kid and here I thought you were...God, you don't want to know what I thought."

"I didn't mean to lie or make you feel like this," Magnus confessed.

“It’s okay, Magnus. I understand.”

“You do?” Magnus asked, genuinely perplexed. This was not how he saw this conversation working out.

“I do,” Alec smiled. “You don’t think I am scared? I know it’s going to be new territory – but you and I…We always find our way, remember?”

Oh no.

“When I said I wanted to adopt, I didn’t mean that we have to do it right now. I mean, I kinda did but that’s the shadowhunter in me. We can wait for another year or a couple. We don’t have to adopt next year, okay? We can wait till you are ready.”

Alec thought Magnus was having cold feet. Alec thought that this was just some temporary situation that he could fix. Alec needed to know. Magnus had to tell him.

“What if I am never ready, Alec?”

The smile dropped, along with his hands. Alec moved a step away from him and stared. “What…What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t want to have a kid,” Magnus answered.

“Um, okay.”

He could see the confusion on Alec’s face as plain as day. His husband had clearly not expected this from him. Maybe Magnus should have been upfront about this before. Should he have mentioned this before getting married? Will Alec be okay with this? What if he decides to…

“Is this about your dad?” Alec asked, moving closer again, although more hesitantly this time. “When we went get ice cream with Madzie that one time…You mentioned that you…Magnus, I know you are scared because of everything you’ve been through. I know you didn’t have the best father figures growing up. But that is not going to prevent you from being a good dad – which I know you will be. You are going to be a great dad.”

He would. He knew that. He had always known that – before he took in Raphael, before he met Madzie. Magnus knew that he would be a better father than Asmodeus, even though the bar was set supremely low.

He knew he would be a better father than most – not because he knew what to do, but because he knew what not to do.

“Alexander, I know I will be a decent father. This is not about whether I’ll be good at it or not. It’s about whether I want it.”

Alec gulped. “And you…You don’t want it?”

“I don’t want it.”

Alec took a sharp intake of breath and walked back into the loft. Magnus knew he would follow his husband to the depths of hell, quite literally. But he also knew when to let him go. So, he watched the man he loved, broken hearted and barely holding it together, walk away from him.

They didn’t talk about it during dinner – Alec didn’t even eat anything and neither did Magnus. They just quietly sat opposite each other and waited for the words to come to them.

But the words didn’t come.

That night, as they quietly slept on the golden silk sheets only a few inches apart, staring at the ceiling - Magnus couldn’t help but feel as if they were miles apart from each other.

“Alexander, I am sorry,” Magnus whispered into the night – not wanting to go to sleep without saying anything. Not wanting to go to sleep with Alec feeling…He didn’t know what Alec was feeling right now to be honest.

“I know we can get through this,” Alec finally spoke, his voice hoarse, as if he had been crying. “I just don’t know how.”

“I love you,” Magnus said, not knowing any other words.

“I love you too,” Alec replied, almost instantly. It made Magnus’ heart beat again.

“We are okay, aren’t we?” Magnus asked, still looking at the ceiling.

“We will be,” Alec said, his eyes on the ceiling but his hand clasping Magnus’. “This is all so sudden…You just need time. I can wait, Magnus. I can wait till you are ready. I will. I will wait forever for you.”

And even though his husband didn’t say it, Magnus heard the words – and he knew them to be true.

_But we don’t have forever, do we?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: A day isn’t a full 24 hours. It actually takes 23 hours, 56 minutes, and 4.2 seconds for the earth to rotate once.


	3. Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You need to stop talking like this a permanent problem,” Alec seethed. “We are going to find a solution.”
> 
> “You need to stop talking like this is a temporary problem,” Magnus bit back. “We might have to live with this.”
> 
> Raised voices, Broken glasses, Guilty hearts and Other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all safe and well. 
> 
> Happy reading :)

The breakfast table was eerily quiet except for the clinking of cutlery. Magnus has been here with Alec before – the forced silence and passive aggressive attitude was nothing new in their relationship. Somehow they have always made it past their fights.

But this time…This time, Magnus was not so sure.

Because regardless of how bad it was, Alec would always be there for him. Even when he was annoyingly quiet, his husband was there for him. Alec would be there just to make sure Magnus ate – to make sure that his husband was okay.

But today, Alec was not here.

It was just Magnus and a plate of unappreciated French toast.

Alec had left for work early in the morning – which is really saying something because Magnus woke up earlier than most people. So, if Alec had deliberately woken up before that, then it only meant one thing. Alec was avoiding him.

Alec didn’t want to discuss or figure this out.

Well, then so be it. Magnus might be centuries older but that did not mean that he had an obligation to act like the adult in this relationship.

If Alec thought sulking and avoiding will work then that’s exactly what Magnus will do.

The frustration that coiled in his stomach the whole day - even as he was working in the potions room and sorting out finances – it immediately disappeared the moment Alec came home. His husband directly walked into Magnus’ office and stared at him – as if he was about to say something important. But he only released a deep breath and walked out of the room again – his palm in a tight fist.

“Were you able to eat something?” Magnus asked his husband as he followed him out into the living room. “You missed breakfast.”

“I didn’t have the time,” Alec mumbled as he removed the top button of his shirt and cranked his neck tiredly.

“Alexander, you need to eat something,” Magnus said worriedly.

“Oh, now you care about what I need?” Alec sneered and Magnus took a step back in shock.

He knew Alec wasn’t happy about his decision to not adopt, but he had not expected to hear the venom in his voice.

It was at this moment that Magnus took a good look at this husband.

Alec was wearing a clean white shirt, which was crisp and ironed for once. His hair was combed perfectly and his shoes shiny clean. A glass whiskey was sitting across him on the coffee table and Magnus knew what was wrong.

His husband had a tendency to obsess on little things when things didn’t go his away. He would focus on his wardrobe or the bookshelf in the living room or the condiments cabinet in the kitchen. Alec liked order and when he couldn’t have it, he tried to find it wherever he could.

Alec wasn’t unhappy.

Alec was angry.

Before Magnus could respond to the accusation, Alec stood up from the couch and walked over to him hastily.

“I am sorry,” he said, looking like he genuinely meant it. “I am sorry, Magnus. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

Magnus wanted to say that it was okay. But it wasn’t okay, was it? It wasn’t okay for Alec to be angry at Magnus for having a say in their future – a future they shared together.

“Alexander, we need to talk about this,” Magnus said instead.

“There is nothing to talk about,” Alec said back moving towards the glass of whiskey. “You don’t want to have a kid with me.”

And there it was.

Alec had been repeating the same phrase over and over through the whole of last week. It has been slow torture for Magnus to listen to his husband say it again and again – even in his sleep.

It was true that Magnus didn’t want to have a kid but the way Alec said it…It was not a fact but more of an accusation.

Magnus knew he shouldn’t be feeling guilty about this. But he did. How could one not feel guilty when your husband keeps chanting it like a mantra every five minutes.

“You don’t want to have a kid with me,” Alec repeated, mostly to himself. But Magnus still heard it.

Magnus wondered if Alec kept repeating it because he was trying to convince himself. Maybe deep down Alec still hasn’t accepted the fact that this was his reality. Perhaps that’s he kept saying it – not to antagonize Magnus, but rather to antagonize his own self.

“You said you need time,” Alec said, looking at him now. “It’s been a week and you haven’t chang-”

“I said no such thing,” Magnus replied incredulously. “ _You_ decided that I needed time. _You_ decided that I will change my mind.”

Alec stared at him in disbelief. He was definitely about to retort something unpleasant but held back – with great effort. He closed his eyes and relaxed his shoulders before speaking again.

“Magnus, we’ve never been the ones for planning,” Alec pointed out, his voice calmer now. “I kissed you for the first time at my wedding! We started dating in the middle of a war! We got married in a day’s notice for god’s sake. So, why are you hesitating now?”

“Because this is not that simple, Alec!” Magnus snapped, losing his patience. “We are talking about a child.”

“We are talking about _our_ child,” Alec implored. “Don’t you want that?”

Magnus didn’t know what else to say other than, “No, I don’t.”

Alec shook his head vehemently as if he didn’t understand - or as if he didn't want to. “I know you are skeptical. But we can figure this out together, okay? Once we adopt, everything will fall into place. Let’s just say screw it and do it.”

“Screw it and do it?” Magnus regarded his husband with completely disbelief. “Are you out of your mind? This is not something we can decide overnight. You need time and-”

“WELL, I DON’T HAVE TIME!”

Alec realized the unfairness of his own outburst and rubbed his face tiredly. Magnus didn’t know what to say to be honest. They have had this conversation time and again. They have decided that this was their fate.

But just because you have accepted the cruelty of your destiny, it doesn’t mean you can’t be outraged at it.

And Alec was plenty outraged right now.

“I don’t have time, Magnus,” Alec repeated more softly now. “We need to act now or it-”

“Alexander,” Magnus called out and Alec looked up at him. There was so much hope in those hazel eyes and Magnus once again felt guilty for being the one to destroy it.

“I know as a nephilim, you prefer to live in the moment,” Magnus empathized. “But as a warlock, whatever decision I make, I have to live with it forever.”

And forever was an awfully long time.

“So, the answer is no?” Alec asked again. “Forever?”

“Alexander, I cannot have a child when I am immortal bec-”

“But you like Madzie!” Alec gestured incredulously. “You love Madzie! Is it the age? Do you want to adopt an older kid? We can do that. We can find an older kid who-”

“This is not about the child’s age!” Magnus objected in frustration.

It really didn’t matter to him. 

“Then what is it about, Magnus?” Alec asked, sounding completely and utterly helpless.

Magnus wanted to explain. He really did. But he took one look at Alec’s eyes, his tired frame and decided against it. He did not want to hurt his husband anymore.

“I know this is difficult to digest right now,” Magnus explained as calmly as he could. “But like you said, we need time to deal with this. We are happy together, aren’t we? We can be happy with each other and-”

“Stop it!”

Alec’s tone was pained and angry at the same time. Magnus blinked in confusion.

“You need to stop talking like this a permanent problem,” Alec seethed. “We are going to find a solution.”

“You need to stop talking like this is a temporary problem,” Magnus bit back. “We might have to live with this.”

“But what if we can find a way to-”

“Alec, you are always trying to find a way,” Magnus pointed out, not unkindly. “It is your job as a shadowhunter to keep fighting and fix things. But this-”

“This has nothing to do with me being a shadowhunter,” Alec denounced immediately. “This is…This is about me. This is about _me_ wanting to be a father.”

Magnus held back his tears. He wasn’t going to cry. When Magnus cried, Alec’s first priority was to take care of him. Magnus didn’t want that right now. He didn’t want Alec’s sympathy or affection. He just wanted Alec to understand.

“This is something I’ve always wanted, Magnus,” Alec said, itching to move closer. “I always wanted a family of my own. I wanted a husband and children. But I thought I could never have any of that. I convinced myself that I was not lucky enough to have any of that.”

Magnus remembered the Alec who had believed all of this. He remembered how much pain the other boy was in at the time. He remembered desperately wanting to get rid of that pain. He remembered wanting to see Alec Lightwood be happy. The man standing in front of him reminded him so much of that lost boy - Magnus momentarily felt bad about making this decision. 

“I actually believed I couldn’t have the future I wanted. And then…Then I met you. I started believing again. I believed that I can have a future.”

But they had a future together, didn’t they?

“But now you tell me I can’t have it? Do you have any idea how painful that is? To think you have something you never thought you could have – only to realize it was all a lie? Do you know what it feels like to have that hope and lose it?”

Magnus did know. He knew better than most people about having hope and losing it – again and again. It was a lesson all immortals had to learn.

He wanted to tell Alec that he knew it better than the shadowhunter.

But now was not the time. This was not a competition. It was bad enough that they were both hurting. Why make it worse by comparing their pain?

Magnus wondered what to say or do when he heard the shattering noise. The glass in Alec’s hand was in pieces, whiskey and blood dripping on the carpet.

Alec barely noticed the mess or the pain.

“Alexander!” Magnus gasped and moved forward, blue flames already appearing at his fingertips to heal his husband.

Alec held out a hand to stop him, an obvious gesture of rejection that made Magnus’ body jerk back in pain. His husband grabbed his stele from his pocket and draw an iratze. The wound healed immediately.

Magnus wished angel Raziel had thought of creating an iratze for heartache too.

The blood in his hand and the pain in his face reminded Magnus that Alec was more important to him than anything else. He decided that he would do anything to keep the other man happy – and safe.

“We can have a child if that’s what you want,” Magnus whispered as Alec picked up the broken pieces of glass from the floor.

Alec walked over to the trashcan and carefully deposited the broken pieces. He turned around and gave a look of complete incredulity.

“I don’t want a child, Magnus! I want a family.”

Magnus stood there silently, watching Alec wait for him to say something – anything.

But there was nothing he could say that would make the other man feel better. so, Magnus didn’t. He tried to push down the guilt once more, but it was adamantly standing there – staring at him through Alec’s glassy eyes.

Alec probably realized that he was not going to get a response when he shook his tiredly and walked away from the kitchen.

“You don’t want to have a kid with me,” he mumbled again and Magnus lost it.

“Can you stop making this about yourself?” Magnus asked, raising his voice louder than necessary. “This is not about you. I don’t want to have a kid with anyone!”

Alec stopped in his tracks, turned around and stared at this husband in shock.

“I have been alive for centuries, Alec! You think I have not given this sufficient thought? You keep saying it will get better with time but guess what? I have been thinking this over for four hundred years and I have not changed my mind. So, stop acting like I am being callous about this.”

“Magnus, I am not saying you are callous,” Alec moved forward. “But we have talked about kids before. You were always happy to take care of Madzie or even Max! You never once gave any indication that-”

“Just because I am comfortable with someone else’s child, it doesn’t mean I comfortable to have one of my own,” Magnus explained. “I told you back then or have you forgotten? I don’t know what you thought. Having children is the last thing on my list, Alexa-”

“BUT IT WAS STILL ON THE FUCKING LIST!”

If the apartment wasn’t protected by magic, Magnus thought it could have shook by the pain and anger in Alec’s voice.

“It might have been the last thing,” Alec said slowly now. “But it was still on the list, Magnus. That’s what I thought.”

Alec took a step forward and Magnus immediately moved back – he wasn’t sure whether it was to protect Alec or himself.

“Magnus, I-“ Alec started and gulped. He waited for a long time before he spoke again. “I know…I know you have thought about this before. I know this is not a sudden decision. I understand, Magnus. I understand that this is something you never wanted…with anyone.”

“Then why do you keep pushing?” Magnus asked, tired and done.

Alec closed his eyes, the way he often did to stop himself from crying.

“Because this time…I thought this time would be different – because it was with me,” Alec swallowed his disappointment. “I guess I thought wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> Come find on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: 'Whiskey' is a Gaelic word which means “water of life.”


	4. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I saw you watching us,” Alec said softly. “I’ve seen you watching me read to Madzie before. Sometimes you get so lost watching the two of us that you don’t even notice us staring right back.”
> 
> Tiny visitors, Scalding teacups, Hidden fears and Other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> To think that this was going to be a one shot. LOL!
> 
> Happy reading :)

Magnus' body slightly slumped as he opened the door for his friend.

“You look like hell,” Catarina pointed out, raising a brow.

 _I feel like hell too_ , Magnus thought.

“Perks of being the High Warlock of Alicante,” Magnus winked instead.

“Don’t let the nephilim get you down,” Catarina patted his shoulder and walked towards the living room.

Catarina would have noticed the tension and unease in Magnus’ body on any other day. But if the dark circles under her eyes were anything to go by, his best friend was bone tired as well.

People assumed that it becomes easier to feel the pain of others when you are suffering yourself. But Magnus had always believed that to be a load of horseshit. If anything, your own suffering makes you blinder than before.

Why the hell would people help someone else with their baggage when they are struggling to carry twenty of their own?

“Mama,” Madzie squealed and ran into her mother’s arms, forgetting all about the story Alec was reading her.

“Hello, little one,” Catarina smiled as she picked up her daughter.

Despite looking like a walking zombie, Catarina immediately perked up as soon as was by her daughter’s side.

This was apparently the kind of life children bring to your soul – not that Magnus would know.

“We were reading Little Red Riding Hood,” Alec said from the couch. “Madzie thinks the hood should have been purple.”

His friend turned around gave him a glare.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that she has an eye for fashion,” Magnus chuckled, raising his hands in defense.

“Of course not,” Catarina scoffed. “Let’s go home, Madzie. You can tell me all about Little Purple Riding Hood as we get you ready for bed.”

Catarina whipped up a portal and Madzie ran towards Magnus and clutched his leg tightly.

“No, stay with Malec,” she whined, picking up after Simon and his ridiculous pet name for them.

“Madzie, you know mama has to wake up early tomor-”

“NO!”

“What if I promise that I will have chocolate ice cream next time you come here?” Alec propositioned, moving towards Madzie.

The little warlock considered that for a minute. “With sprinkles?”

“Duh,” Alec grinned and Magnus couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re the best,” Madzie patted him on the knee and skipped away towards the portal.

Catarina shook her head and smiled after her daughter. “You can’t keep bribing her like that.”

“Bribing?” Magnus feigned innocence. “We were just discussing dessert, Cat!”

“A little sugar hurt nobody,” Alec added with a shrug.

“Yeah, yeah,” Catarina rolled her eyes and walked toward the portal. “Come tell me that when you have your own kid.”

As Catarina disappeared with the portal and Magnus couldn’t help but wince. He turned to see the pained expression in Alec’s face and winced again.

“Alexa-”

“Don’t,” Alec held up a hand and walked away to the bedroom.

Magnus knew he wouldn’t be welcome there, so he didn’t follow. They had been walking around in circles since their fight – or was it fights now? - about the adoption. It had almost been a week and neither of them had brought up the topic since then.

He knew he could have made an initiative but he didn’t want to. Magnus wasn’t petty. He didn’t care about looking desperate. He wanted to talk to Alec. He wanted Alec to talk to him. He wanted to say more words than ‘what do you want for dinner?’ and ‘I’ll be late tonight’.

He wanted to hold Alec and he wanted to be held by him.

Magnus missed Alec and more than anything….he missed them.

He missed malec.

He didn’t want to address the topic because he was scared.

In his experience, usually when couples reached an impasse after fighting and fighting and then fighting some more, the next step was to break up. It seemed to be the only solution that made sense moving forward.

Therefore to say that he was terrified to have this conversation with Alec would be a massive fucking understatement.

So Magnus headed to his apothecary instead. He restocked some of his ingredients and tried to do some accounting. He had been actually planning to do all of it with his magic since he was tired but now that he needed the distraction – and the space – he realized that he might as well do it the mundane way.

After spending as much time in the apothecary as possible, Magnus headed to the bedroom. But Alec wasn’t there. It has been the same way for the last few days. Every time Magnus walked into the bedroom, the space was either empty or Alec was supposedly sleeping. Magnus knew that Alec was faking it because he hadn’t heard his adorable little snores.

It hurt that they had to pretend in front of each other. The fact that it was so easy to do hurt even more.

Magnus released a deep breath and decided to get ready for bed. After carefully removing his makeup and jewelry, Magnus took a long shower. He let the warm water wash away the pain in his body. If only it had the power to wash away the pain in his heart too.

He was pretty sure that he had spent at least an hour in the bathroom but when he returned the bedroom was still empty. Magnus wondered if Alec had maybe gone back to work and hoped that he hadn’t. They hadn’t got to that point yet and frankly he hoped they never will.

Magnus could deal with the passive aggressive comments and the silent treatment – but he will not tolerate Alec sleeping somewhere else. This was supposed to be their home.

He was about to walk to the kitchen to get his phone so that he could call his husband about his whereabouts when he noticed a shadow moving in the balcony. His eyes moved and his heart stopped.

“ALEXANDER!” He screamed as he ran towards the ledge. “GET DOWN FROM THERE.”

Alec, who was sitting on the balcony ledge, turned around looking alarmed. “Magnus, are you okay?”

“GET DOWN,” Magnus screamed again. “GET DOWN RIGHT NOW!”

“Magnus!” Alec said frantically as he immediately hopped back into the balcony. “Magnus, what is wrong?”

“WHY DID YOU- YOU CAN’T JUST, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!” Magnus asked, tears streaming down his face.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Alec said softly and held him close. Magnus couldn’t stop the sobbing or the trembling.

“Magnus, it’s okay,” Alec said again, wiping the tears from Magnus’ face.

As he clung to Alec and sobbed on his shoulder Magnus remembered two nights during which he had been just as terrified.

The first time has been at Max’s rune party, when he had seen Alec fall of the ledge and almost die – Magnus had been terrified for Alec.

The second time had been at the institute, when he had that breakdown after losing his magic for the second time – Magnus had been terrified for himself.

The third time was right now in his own balcony, when he had seen Alec and thought he was going to lose him again – Magnus has been terrified for them.

“What were you doing up here?” Magnus inquired, after the sobbing had finally stopped.

“I was just thinking,” Alec shrugged.

“You stupid nephilim,” Magnus hit him on the arm. “Can’t you think staring out of a window like a normal person?”

“Magnus, I wasn’t going to hurt myself,” Alec reassured him and it did nothing to calm the frantic pounding in Magnus’ chest.

 _You don’t have to_ , Magnus thought. _I did that already._

Alec quietly led both of them to the kitchen and gently nudged Magnus to go towards the dining table. Magnus felt so tired and so alone that he let him. His husband moved towards the stove and Magnus heard noises. He didn’t have the heart or the energy to go up to Alec and check what was going on. He could only think about Alec on that ledge.

What if he had jumped?

What if he had lost Alec tonight?

He didn’t want either of them to leave the other – especially not like this. Never like this.

Magnus curled his hand into a fist tightly to deal with the pain – and the silence.

All of this for what? A child?

He was getting too tired to fight and honestly it didn’t seem to be worth it. Nothing seemed to be worth enough to lose Alec.

His husband came back to the dining table carrying two cups of tea .

There was a look on his face that Magnus didn’t get to see much. Alec was very good at hiding it – or so his husband believed.

But Magnus knew this look.

He watched Alec sit down opposite him, his tea in front of him, a solution he only resorted to when his nerves acted out. Alec pulled at the sleeves of his sweater, until they covered his trembling palms – which were clinging to the tea cup for support despite it being scalding hot. He was biting into his lower lip and staring at his tea.

Alec was scared.

The thought of his strong, brave shadowhunter being afraid gave Magnus all the courage in the world to speak up.

“What are you afraid of?”

Magnus stared at the man in front of him.

He knew – and could see – that Alec was terrified himself. But as always, Alec beat him to it.

He could be carrying his own load of baggage and then some carry-ons. But Alec Lightwood was always the man who would offer to help you with your luggage – and he will do it with a smile.

“Magnus,” Alec urged him again. “What are you afraid of?”

He had spent enough and more time with seelies to learn how to avoid the truth.

_When you don’t want to answer a question, reply with one of your own._

“Why do assume I am afraid?” Magnus asked, deciding to ignore the tremor in his own hands.

“Because you were so good tonight,” Alec confessed. “You were so good with Madzie.”

“But that doesn’t mean I-”

“This was the happiest I’ve seen you all week,” Alec went on. “You were so happy to be with her. You loved being with Madzie.”

No. This was getting too close to the conversation – the one he was too afraid to have.

“Madzie is different. She is m-”

“I saw you watching us,” Alec said softly. “I’ve seen you watching me read to Madzie before. Sometimes you get so lost watching the two of us that you don’t even notice us staring right back.”

“Alec-”

“I know that look, Magnus,” Alec said, staring at him now. “It’s the same one I have when I watch you with Madzie. I know it. I feel it – and I know you feel what I feel.”

The words echoed in his head – the desperation seemed familiar and painful.

“I never would have pushed you if I thought this was something you didn’t want,” Alec confessed.

Magnus stayed quiet. It was his turn to cling to the teacup now.

“So cut the bullshit about not wanting a kid,” Alec implored. “Tell me why you are afraid. What scares you so much that you have convinced yourself that this is something you don’t want?”

_When all tricks fail, maintain silence._

“Magnus,” Alec said, his voice sterner now. “Tell me why you don’t want to have a kid with me!”

_When silence fails - scream._

“BECAUSE IT’S ONE MORE PERSON I HAVE TO LOVE!!”

The tea cup shattered – not because of the tension in his hands but because of the pain in his heart.

_When screams fail – whisper._

“Because it’s one more person I have to lose.”

In a speed that only a shadowhunter could manage and a love only a Lightwood was capable of, Alec was beside him in a moment.

“I don’t want to lose him either,” Alec whispered quietly.

If Magnus wasn’t sobbing quietly, he would have raised an eyebrow at the pronoun.

“But we will,” Magnus replied.

“You are afraid he is going to die?” Alec asked, never being the one to beat around the bush.

But he didn’t get it. Mortals never did.

“No, Alexander,” Magnus said, brushing away his tears. “I am afraid I am going to live.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a short chapter but I already finished writing the last chapter (Whaaa). So, i'll make sure to post in a couple of days. 
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: Tea is the most popular beverage in the world after plain water. The world’s tea market was worth $38.8 billion in 2013.


	5. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am used to losing people, Alec. But even I can’t cope with losing you. We can’t put a child through that. We can’t put our child through that.”
> 
> “He might not be a child then,” Alec offered. “Maybe he will be older and he will unders-”
> 
> “It doesn’t matter how old he is when you…when you’re gone. He won’t be ready. Warlocks seldom are.”
> 
> Open talks, First times, Cardboard boxes and Other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update on the next day???
> 
> See, I can be nice when I want to. Happy reading :)

_I am afraid I am going to live._

Why did people think it would feel relieving to make confessions? There was no relief. None at all.

It felt absolutely terrifying.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered softly, kneeling on the floor. He reached out to Magnus’ hands and held them with his own on Magnus’ lap. “That has never stopped you before.”

Magnus raised his head and looked at Alec – his husband still looked scared. But the fear in his eyes seemed more serious now – more urgent.

And Magnus realized that Alec was afraid for him.

“You have always known that you would lose people and you still jump head first,” Alec pointed out, not unkindly. “You married a nephilim for crying out loud – and our life expectancy is not our best selling point.”

“Alexander,” Magnus admonished, too tired to lecture Alec about ill-timed jokes.

“My point is,” Alec smiled, just a little. “You never stopped looking.”

And Magnus realized that there was so much they had to learn about each other. Now that the whirlwind they've always been wrapped up in since their first meeting was finally gone, they should get to know each other better. They really should. 

“You never stopped looking for love,” Alec said again. “Despite the heartbreak and the pain, you never gave up on love. So, what changed?”

“Because this is different, Alexander,” Magnus finally answered.

He moved his hand to Alec’s cheek and caressed him softly. Alec hummed and leaned into the touch instantly.

“I’ve told you before. You are special. The love I have for you is-"

“A love that knows no bounds,” Alec finished.

Magnus leaned forward and kissed Alec on his cheek.

“While I have never felt anything like this before, I have been in love – more times than I can count. More times than I deserve. But this….This, I’ve never done this before. I’ve never had a kid.”

“You’ve never been married before either,” Alec pointed out with a smile.

“No, I haven’t,” Magnus smiled back.

“But you married me,” Alec said and Magnus spotted the familiar hint of pride with which Alec always said those words. “You knew you were going to…You are going to lose me one day, Magnus. And you married me anyway.”

“I thought that after spending our life together....I thought I'll be ready one day to say goodbye. But I don't think I can. You are the love of my life. I am not ready to say goodbye - not today, not tomorrow and not in another fifty years. I am still trying to convince myself that...that one you'll be gone. I am still trying to accept it as my reality. I just...I can't...with the baby....I have to go through this all over again. I have to get used to the idea of him leaving me too. I don't want to spend every minute of our lives trying to convince myself of something I don't want to believe."

Alec bit into his bottom lip again – probably think of the right words to say.

“We all get the time get, Magnus – not a day more or less.”

“I know, my love,” Magnus replied, reaching out to rescue Alec’s bottom lip. He ran his thumb over Alec’s jaw before pulling it away again. He knew. But as he had come to realize, knowing the truth and accepting it were not the same thing.

“What if we adopt a warlock child?” Alec asked. “Like Madzie. Then you won’t lose him, right?”

“But he will lose you,” Magnus whispered and Alec sucked in a breath at the words.

“I am used to losing people, Alec. But even I can’t cope with losing you. We can’t put a child through that. We can’t put _our_ child through that.”

“He might not be a child then,” Alec offered. “Maybe he will be older and he will unders-”

“It doesn’t matter how old he is when you…when you’re gone. He won’t be ready. Warlocks seldom are.”

“He’ll be fine, Magnus,” Alec whispered. He seemed so confident so someone was terrified not five minutes ago. 

“How do you know?”

“Because he is your son. He will be strong like his papa.”

Magnus pulled his husband closer and rested his head on his shoulder.

“So I am not worried about him,” Alec said. It was odd to hear him speak with such certainty about someone who didn’t even exist yet. “I am worried about you.

Alexander Lightwood. Only Alexander Lightwood.

Magnus smiled softly into Alec’s shoulder and pulled back to look at him.

“When I first found out that warlocks were infertile, I was very young - maybe around 12? I didn’t understand the concept of reproduction or lineage. So I didn’t mind not being able to have kids.”

Alec kissed his knuckles.

“By the time I was in my late teens and fell in love for the first time, I understood what love meant. I realized what it meant to love someone and to be loved in return. I realized the importance of family. So I cried, I screamed and I cursed. I thought it was ironical that I can summon a baby with magic if I wanted but could never have one of my own.”

Alec, who was about to kiss his palm, drew back and raised a brow. “You can summon babies?”

“Well, I’ve never tried,” Magnus replied and shrugged.

“Yeah, let’s not,” Alec smiled and proceeded to kiss his palm.

“By the time I stopped aging and was well into my first century I was kind of glad that I couldn’t have kids. I was just getting used to my immortality. I was drunk on eternal life and endless adventures. I didn’t have to worry about getting anyone pregnant. So, I went back to not wanting to kids.”

Alec leaned a little and kissed his cheek.

“Every time the urge returned, I distracted myself with some insane adventure or reckless business idea. I started taking in Downworlders – caring for them and looking after them like my own. I thought it would help. But it only made things worse. Every time I gave myself a chance to experience what love feels like when I took them in, I set myself up to feel tremendous pain when they left. I thought maybe my infertility was a mercy. It was a consolation prize for having to deal with immortality. However, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret taking any of them in. I never have and never will.”

Alec kissed his forehead.

“It has been an endless debate for me, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, clutching Alec’s sweater sleeve. “I wasn't joking when I said I've thought about this a lot. I have, for centuries. I kept going back and forth about wanting children and not wanting them. I was shifting between thinking of my infertility has a blessing and a curse until one day….One day I made up my mind.”

“You wanted kids,” Alec guessed – or rather, pointed out as it was a fact.

“I wanted kids,” Magnus admitted – finally.

It felt good. And it felt bad.

“What changed?” Alec asked, pausing in front of Magnus’ lips. "If you know you are going to get hurt then why did you decide to have kids? What happened?"

Magnus leaned in and kissed his husband.

“You,” Magnus breathed out. “You happened."

His lifted Alec's hand and kissed the wedding band on his finger - the cold metal shining against his warm skin. 

"So don’t ever think that you didn’t make a difference because you did. You, Alexander Gideon Lightwood settled centuries worth of heartache, confusion and dilemma in an instant.”

Alec let out a soft gasp.

“So you do want to have a kid with me?” Alec said, sounding relieved.

“I want to,” Magnus confessed. "Warlock or nephilim or mundane or werewolf. I don't care. I do want to have a kid with you."

Alec smiled brightly and Magnus realized how much he missed it. He didn't want to miss it ever again. But he didn't want to mislead Alec either. He didn't want them to go through this again. So he wanted to be clear.

“But just because I want to, it doesn’t mean I have to, right?” Magnus asked hesitantly. 

“No, it doesn’t mean you have to,” Alec confirmed, his voice serious.

“So you don’t….You don’t hate me?” Magnus asked, his voice small.

“What the fu-” Alec gaped. “Of course not! The fact that you want to have a kid with me is enough.”

“Is it though? Is it really enough?”

Alec released a deep breath and Magnus took one in.

“I still want a kid. I always will. But I....I don’t _need_ a kid, Magnus. I just want one,” Alec said. He reached out and held Magnus’ face in his hands – tight, desperate and clutching. Like the tea cup. “But you… _I need you_. So, yes. You are enough.”

Magnus raised a hand and so he could caress Alec’s – which was still holding onto his face tightly.

“You said I never stopped looking,” Magnus told his husband and Alec looked lost.

“Before….You said I never stopped looking for love,” Magnus elaborated. “But I did. I didn’t know that I had but I had stopped looking for love at some point.”

“Why?”

Because I was tired? I was done? I didn’t want to get hurt anymore? I was running out of the strength you talk so much about.

“It happens,” Magnus said instead.

Alec hummed in response.

“I wasn’t looking for love when I found you,” Magnus confessed. “And you were the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“Not skinny jeans?”

“Skinny jeans has got nothing on Alexander Lightwood,” Magnus replied honestly.

Alec laughed and the sound echoed through the kitchen and through his heart.

“I wasn’t even looking,” Magnus said again. “And I still found you.”

“And I found you,” Alec said, kissing Magnus slow and soft.

“We found each other,” Magnus whispered against his husband’s lips.

Neither of them had been looking when they had found each other. Maybe they didn’t have to look this time either. Maybe...

“Maybe he’ll find us too,” Alec finished his thought, his lips smiling – and his eyes too. “Until that we can wait. We can wait till you are ready. We can wait till he finds us.”

“You keep saying ‘he’,” Magnus pointed out.

“I have a feeling,” Alec shrugged and then bit his lip and looked down again. "I know...I know you haven't done this before and you are scared...But when it happens, I promise I'll be there for you. I will be there for the both of you. But I understand your fears. I understand you worry about him having to deal with...all of this. So, if you want to do this some other time with someone else....then I....I get it."

"Alexander, look at me," Magnus ordered softly. "I want to do this with you."

"But it's your first time and I-" 

"I lived for a long time, darling," Magnus smiled. "I don't get a lot of firsts anymore. So, every single one I have left...I want it to be with you."

Alec pulled him into a deep kiss - every second of it filled with love. "I love you."

"I love you too," Magnus whispered back. 

ALec pulled back and his eyes seemed slightly glazy. 

Magnus raised his chin and stroked his hair back. “Alexander, what is it?”

“If…If he finds us,” Alec said, averting his eyes. “If this works out one day and I….And I leave. Do you think he’ll hate me? Do you think he’ll hate me for not trying harder to be there for him?”

Magnus had been wrapped up in his own fears that he hadn’t even taken a second to realized that Alec had his own fears about parenting.

It was his first time too, after all.

“He won’t hate you,” Magnus said, without an ounce of doubt. 

“How do you know?” Alec asked.

“Because he is your son,” Magnus answered softly. “He will be kind like his Daddy.”

Alec smiled and pulled Magnus into a hug again.

“We are good?” he asked Magnus, stifling a yawn.

“We are good,” Magnus reassured him.

“We just figured out the semantics and god I am already so tired,” Alec said into his shoulder. “Catarina was right - raising a child is going to be difficult.”

“Relationships take effort,” Magnus reminded him.

“I am all for effort,” Alec replied without missing a beat.

And as always, they stayed true to their word. In the following weeks, both of them made an effort to talk about it more.

They talked and talked and talked – until they knew each other’s every fear, every concern and every hope about being a parent.

Magnus was touched to find that Alec wanted to teach their child archery and Indonesian.

Magnus was not so touched to find that Alec wanted to name their child after his parabatai.

The fear inside him, of being left alone, still remained deep inside his heart. He knew that it was not something that Alec could fix. It wasn’t something a child could fix either. It was neither their burden nor their responsibility.

It was something only Magnus could fix - and he knew that he could do it with time.

And Alec.

He could do anything if Alec was by his side.

So he promised himself that he would work on it – for Alec. He had been looking for someone that would give him strength to fix it.

He didn’t know where to find it until a week later when Alec walked into their loft from work, carrying a small cardboard box.

“IS THAT A BABY???” Magnus gasped.

No. Too soon. Too soon. He stills need to work out his fears.

“What? No!” Alec laughed. “Excuse the pun, but I thought we could take baby steps.”

Magnus raised a brow and Alec grinned. Magnus moved forward hesitantly and carefully lifted the lid of the box.

Two tiny gray eyes peered at him. Despite never having met before, the small form somehow looked happy to see him and meowed softly.

“Yeah?” Alec asked.

He looked at Alec, who was smiling like an idiot holding the tiny gray kitten in his palms.

Magnus knew this look too.

Alec was smiling, not taking his eyes off Magnus. The kitten meowed again for attention and Alec looked down at the box and smiled at it. There was a softness in his smile that made Magnus smile back without effort. His husband speaking quietly to the kitten, making some kind of plan that Magnus desperately wanted to be a part of. Alec looked over at Magnus and held out the kitten – waiting for Magnus’ answer.

Alec was hopeful.

And so was he. 

“Yeah,” Magnus answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand we are done. 
> 
> I was hoping to get this out of my head for a very long time and now I have. Thank you for sticking through this angst train. 
> 
> Take care. Stay safe. Have hope.
> 
> You can come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: Cats have among the best hearing of all land animals. They are born deaf, but when their amazing sense of hearing is fully developed by 4 weeks of age, they can hear 65,000 cycles per second (or hertz), whereas we can only hear 20,000


End file.
